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The Ex that just wont go away
Iíll try to make it short. My husbandís sister in law is best friends w/ his ex girlfriend. They actually met through my husband when he was with his ex & remained friends after my husband & his ex broke up. Iíve never had a problem w/ their friendship as I am not close to my husbandís sister in law & rarely see her. I have been at her childrenís birthday parties & do see my husbandís ex there, but obviously we donít speak or sit at the same table. My husbandís youngest brother is getting married in Mexico in the summer & we are going to go to the wedding. I just found out my brotherís sister in law invited her BFF (AKA my husbandís ex) & she is going. I donít know why she would even want to go, when I myself am only going because its one of those things you have to do. Itís not like my brother in law is getting married in Cancun or Puerto Vallarta. Heís getting married in their parentís home town (where his future wife is from, too) in some small ranch in the middle of now where Mexico. A place thatís far from somewhere any one would want to visit or vacation in. So my in laws have a huge house out there and guess where we will all be staying?
Well, my husband doesnít understand why it would bother me that his ex is going when neither one of us speaks to her. I told him I donít want to spend a day, let alone a week in the same house w/ someone who heís been w/ in the past. Itís easy to avoid each other for 4-5 hours at the occasional b-day party, but how can we avoid each other in the same crowded house for a week!? His argument was she may not even be there the entire week weíll be there & that what do I expect him to do when he didnít invite her. I told him his ex is pathetic & needs to move on. She needs to know her place & realize this is a family event & she is NOT part of his family, I am. He said he completely agrees & said he always got along w/ her family but ended that relationship the day they broke up. He doesnít understand why sheís going either, but insist there is nothing he can do. I told him my son & I werenít going if she was going & that just led to a bigger argument. Am I overreacting?
Posted by Cindy on 01/19/2009 03:15 PM

oh hell no.i wouldnt go either.i hate my hubbys ex.she trys everything to get him to come see her.i told him the only way he will see his child that he has with her ,is if i go with him.but he tells me no and i say well ur not going we end up im on the same page i guess.
posted by angie on 01/19/2009 04:09 PM

Well the difference is my husband does not have any children w/ this woman, so therefore they dont have any ties. If she had his child, I may be a little more understanding as they would have to have a relationship. I guess I just feel like "Okay, bye, you can leave now. You guys broke up over 3 years ago. He's married now w/ a child. Go on and find yourself someone new & get married to him & have his kids and be the best of friends w/ his family"
posted by Cindy on 01/19/2009 04:38 PM

ok i know how you feel totally. my fiancee was engaged to someone else before me. they were together for 3 years before they broke up, so she is friends with his whole family. she even lived with him and his dad and step mother. she was at all of the "family functions", and to make it worse, she knew these people and i didnt. she called them "grandpa", and "uncle" or "aunt"... you get the picture. AND she would follow him around the whole time. since i was trying to keep my distance, i would go sit somewhere and talk with whoever happened to be there. but i was uncomfortable the whole time. after my daughter was born, she moved back to vermont (where they met, and they both have family). but now she is like BFF with his oldest sister there. it doesnt bother me as much since i dont go up there, so i dont have to see her or anything. but i just ignore it pretty much.
i know what you are going through, but i havent had to deal with this specific situation. i do not think you are over reacting at all. and what i would do (if i were you) is go talk to your sister in law in person. Explain to her that you know that she is friends with this woman, and you respect that. and even though it makes you uncomfortable when she is at all the family functions, you dont say anything because you know they are friends. HOWEVER your BIL's wedding is an occasion that it isnt really necessary or even appropriate for her to be there. and because of the close quarters, you would really appreciate it if she could uninvite her.
i personally dont think that it is asking alot. especially since she really should have asked you if you were okay with it before even inviting her. she knows that this woman is your husbands ex... didnt she ever think that there could be a conflict there, and that since you are family, she should have asked your opinion first?
it sounds to me like you have been very accepting of the fact that your SIL keeps disregarding your feelings. and it isnt fair, again, considering you are family. you have every right to be upset, and i would talk to her about it. though might i suggest that you do so calmly and rationally (maybe write out what you want to say first?) so that you can avoid any unnecessary arguments. you dont want to complicate anything further, you just want to explain to her your feelings on the subject and hope that she respects those feelings.
posted by Becky on 01/19/2009 10:39 PM

I would ask my husband's sister if she would kindly uninvite the ex. Do it in a nice manner so that it does not create an argument if possible. What is the relationship like with you and your sister in law?
posted by Marjorie on 01/20/2009 07:14 AM

Ok.. I think you are overreacting. Obviously he didn't invite her, but they dont have animosity toward each other either. She is just another person living in this world with you that just happened to, at one time, see all the great things about your husband that you see now. You probably have a lot in common! She is the best friend of one of your relatives also, so she cant be all bad.

I don't think you should get her number and start hanging out with her on the weekends, but it doesn't sound like you have any reason to dislike her either. The fact that they ended the relationship without hating each other says a lot about the both of them. Calm down. Enjoy your time in Mexico. Celebrate your brother-in-laws marriage. Get to know his family better. Stop acting like this other female is going to try to steal your husband. Jealousy doesn't look pretty on anyone. It will be fine. Don't punish your child and your husband and his family because you feel threatened. Have some faith in your husband and your relationship.
posted by Kelly on 01/20/2009 02:35 PM

I will admit I am a jealous person, but honestly I'm not jealous of her looks or anything like that. Their brake up was actually bad & they donít speak to each other. He doesn't have anything against her, but has mentioned he doesnít understand why she stuck around his family when these situations have came up. I do speak to my husband's sister in law, but only when I see her at my in laws house or family functions. I will say she has never done anything to me directly, but I donít know, as a woman, you know when another woman is interested in someone & her actions and my gut feeling tell me sheís still not over it. Just little things she does and says that make me wonder. Do I think my husband would leave me for her? No, but itís just annoying.
So what is everyoneís take on the ex? If there are no children involved or any other ties (God children or a puppy or something). Should the ex still hang around w/ the family? I was always close to my exís families, but I donít keep in touch with them. If I ran in to them somewhere, sure I would say hello & maybe catch up for 2-3 minutes but then Iíd keep right on walking.
posted by Cindy on 01/20/2009 07:06 PM

If your hubby has no interest in her or it does not phase him, then I would not let it phase me. It sounds as if she may get a rise out of you because she knows it bothers you when she is around. Maybe if you and your husband ignored her then she may go away.
posted by Marjorie on 01/20/2009 07:27 PM

That's a tough one. I understand how you feel exactly as my daughter's dad's ex was always around his family when we were together. I personally believe when it's over w/ someone, ITS OVER. This includes their family, too. I know I wouldnt want my ex's hanging around w/ my family. Does this ex have her own man? I know my baby's dad's ex didnt & I always hoped she'd get one who felt uncomfortable w/ her hanging out w/ his family, too. It never happened, though. I wouldnt not go to the wedding as you have more of a right to be there than she does. Maybe you can tell the SIL u dont feel comfortable w/ her there. Just be prepared as you may not get the response you want
posted by April on 01/22/2009 03:55 PM

I understand how you feel though. It can be an uncomfortable situation. Apparently the ex does not have a life. If she did, she would not hang around. I personally would not want to hang around my ex's family. Not unless I was trying to annoy the current female in his life.
posted by Marjorie on 01/22/2009 05:51 PM

That sounds horribly uncomfortable for you. I would problay refuse to go, especially if she is staying at the same place that you are at night. I might go straight to the fiancee of the younger brother and ask her to either ask the ex to not come to the wedding or send out exclusive invitaions that if you don't have a invitation sent directly to you you can't get in. Was your husband's younger brother's fiancee close to your husband's ex? Remember that the bride and groom are the one's in control of the guest list. Other things to consider are how close your husband and his younger brother are, is your husband's ex in the wedding and are you or your husband in the wedding? I would personaly be worried about a drunken ex. I wish you the best of luck with that issue. If you work I would make up the excuse that you have to stay home to work.
posted by Heather on 01/22/2009 06:38 PM

Neither one of us has met my brother in laws fiance. She lives in Mexico. Was born and raised there. My husband and I are not in the wedding but my husband did give his brother some money to help pay for the expenses. It's not her w/ alcohol in her system I'm worried about, its me! The fact is we will all be drinking and I'm afraid I'd say something to her. Not so much for her, but I would never want to ruin any one's wedding. I spoke to my husband about it again and he said he's going to tell his sister in law he doesnt feel its appropriate for her to go. I hope she understands and passes the word along. Wish me luck!
posted by Cindy on 01/22/2009 08:23 PM

Good Luck!! I hope hs sister in law does the right thing and uninvites her. I am so glad that your husband feels the way you do!!
posted by Marjorie on 01/22/2009 09:42 PM

I wish you luck too. I would hate to be in the same position as you. I just don't see the point in her hanging around. I am not friends with any of my ex's nor do I even talk to thier family's anymore. I would be nice to any of them if I ran into them on the street but that's as far as it would go. It is great that your husband agrees with you and it sounds like he is going to try to stand up for you.
posted by Heather on 01/22/2009 10:59 PM

Please let us know how things go. I hope well for you.
posted by Marjorie on 01/23/2009 12:19 AM

I would like to know how things go too. I hope she doesn't go so that you can truely enjoy yourself. Best wishes, Heather
posted by Heather on 01/23/2009 11:30 AM

I was too nice and trusted my boyfriend and his ex-wife and I was totally disappointed. †His ex was alway attending the family parties, his dad said because of the children that they have together and because his sisters were very good friends with her. †I always felt uncomfortable and couldnt believe these people would invite her to family reunions when I wouldnt see any of their exs there. †Eventually they ended up having an affair. †I learned my lesson that where there was once fire, ashes remain. †I trusted him and her. †How could I imagine that she would shut her mouth with a situation like that instead of telling everyone. †She didnt say a word for over a year until recently when I found out through a third party. †Dont be stupid like me. †Too much lingering of the ex can not bring anything good. †

posted by marie on 02/24/2009 01:58 AM

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